On the afternoon of my daughter’s second birthday, we met my friend and her son at the local children’s museum. As soon as we walked inside, my daughter’s little chin began to quiver and she turned to me and asked to go home. Her voice cracked when she spoke and I could see tears in her eyes.
The day had been understandably overwhelming for her, between a pile of presents and a party in our mommy and me class. She hadn’t napped due to the all of the excitement.
“I want to go home,” she said again, pulling on my leg. I said we could go home in 30 minutes, but that I first wanted her to at least check out the bubbles with her friend. She was distracted by all of the fun activities at the museum, but after about an hour, she asked to go home again. I said okay, and we headed to the car. It was her birthday after all.
Now that my daughter is two and able to communicate, I try to include her in decision-making whenever possible. There is definitely a balance that needs to be found, as I obviously can’t give her everything that she wants. But I can weigh the pros and cons of her request. I can consider her point of view. And most importantly, I can listen.
Two is such an amazing yet frustrating age. Sometimes I feel like my whole day is a battle with my daughter. There are times when I deeply regret asking her what she wants for lunch because if I don’t have what she asks for, a tantrum ensues. She wants to pick out her clothes each morning and couldn’t care less if her favorite shirt is dirty. Reasoning with a two-year old can be highly aggravating, but I do it anyway.
I include my daughter in decision-making for a few reasons. The obvious one is that I care about what she wants. She’s a person now.
For me, the most important reason is this: I need my daughter to know that her voice matters. I want her to always speak up and express her opinions loud and clear. My desire is that she continue to ask for what she wants because that is the best way to achieve your dreams.
This is why even when I know it will lead to a battle with my daughter, I always ask her opinion. Its worth the fight to make sure that she knows that her voice matters.
In order to teach her that she is worth being heard, I make sure she knows that I am always listening. I accommodate her whenever it is possible and reasonable, and when I can’t, I try to explain to her the rationale behind my decision. I don’t know what kind of impact my behavior has on her, but my hope is that it reminds her to always, always use her voice. I never want her to forget its power.
Every time I hear her loudly demanding to watch “Frozen” again or asking for the RED cat shirt, not the white one, I think to myself: “yes, speak up!” I silently hope she will always take up space and use her strong voice. I prepare myself for battles with her all day long, but always with proud heart as I silently cheer her on.
This post was republished on the Huffington Post on April 1, 2015.
Loved this. Children want to be heard and acknowledged. I try to encourage my son to use his voice as well. This is how I was raised, though my mom jokes that she regretted doing that once the teenage years hit!
thanks gail! there are times i regret it too, but i believe its so important!
Great point Becky ! What books on parenting would you recommend for this difficult age?
Thank you laura!
I dont typically refer to books… rather i try to parent with empathy and by following my gut. seems to work for me. 🙂
Hi Becky! I loved this post! You are such a great mother! I think we tend to squash our children’s spirit and ingenuity when we try to confirm to what we think is “right” we need to go slow when dealing with our children and consider their opinions.
aw, thansk for the comment alison! <3
This is a beautifully written little essay, embracing the spirit of Janusz Korczak and “The Child’s Right to Respect” – and have included a link on my own blog devoted to the rights of the child.
Thanks so much Daniel!
This is so much like our household at the moment. My son for some reason managed to skip the “terrible twos”, but while I was busy congratulating myself, he turned literally on his third birthday into something… just wow! We have a lot of disagreements and I’m finding that the one consistently successful tactic is to give him choices – within reason of course. I’ve encouraged him to choose his own outfits for as long as he has been able to dress himself, even though it means that he wears a bow-tie most days and sometimes goes to daycare in his Olaf costume! Unfortunately, as he tests the boundaries, it means a few sessions of “this still fits me!” and “I’m sorry, but that’s your little brother’s shirt now – it’s too small for you”, but it just feels like the best compromise between short-term peace and long-term emotional maturity.
I grew up in a house where unsuitable feelings and emotions were sneered at and shouted down, and I didn’t come out of it particularly mentally healthy. I think it’s so important to validate those feelings from an early age, even if the solution we offer is not exactly what is being asked for. Kids need to know from the beginning that they are respected and heard.
thanks for your comments. I agree that is so importnat for kids to feel heard and important… but every parent needs to find ways that work for them. I try to offer choices too – glad its been working for you even if it means lots of bow tie days! 🙂
Can someone help me my 15 year old daughter was mentally and emotionally abuse by her father and she does not want to see him how can her voice be heard no one will listen to her I have a lawyer but my husband and his lawyer will not let up. Help Jill