Before I became a mom, I was always really busy.
I loved my whirlwind life of being out and on the go. Between brunch with girlfriends, double dates with other couples, family obligations and travel, it seemed that I never had a free weekend. And if I did, I made plans to fill it up. I attended every bridal shower and bachelorette party. I felt that I was letting my friends down if I didn’t show up. I arrived at work each Monday morning absolutely exhausted.
Then my daughter was born and suddenly everything got more complicated. The early months were just about survival and I remember questioning whether I would ever be able to go out to dinner again without having to haul a breast pump. I simply spent those weeks trying to keep my eyes open and make sure my daughter was fed.
Now my daughter is two, and it’s so much easier to do activities with her, despite the occasional tantrum in public. She is great with babysitters and we have family close by, so it isn’t quite as difficult to go out.
Of course, with another person in our family comes more invitations and obligations. Despite this, I find that I am not nearly as busy as I used to be.
Since I became a mom, my priorities have shifted and I find myself saying “no” more. I long for lazy Sunday afternoons at home to contrast our active weekdays. It’s such a relief to have mornings when we don’t have to rush out the door. After the endless, hard days of mothering, some nights I simply want to collapse on the sofa and close my eyes instead of going out to dinner. I like having the occasional free morning for spur of the moment plans. Sometimes I take my daughter out for long walks or we make masterpieces with play-doh. I love these quiet afternoons, just the two of us, sitting in the sunny playroom.
Looking back at my life before I became a mom, it is pretty clear that I was so busy by choice. I have been able to change that by saying no without guilt and asking for help without shame.
I have a number of reasons for saying “no” to invitations. Sometimes I simply don’t want to go to the event and would rather spend time with my family. Sometimes the obligation falls in the middle of my daughter’s naptime or is not at a kid-friendly venue, so we decline. Sometimes I honestly cannot find a babysitter. Sometimes I look at my calendar and decide that I simply don’t want too much scheduled in one week. If I am away from my daughter during the day, then it is likely that I will want to be home to put her to bed at night. This may result in me declining an invitation.
In addition, my own well-being is just as important as my daughter’s. I struggle to be a present parent on the days when I am overwhelmed or exhausted. I want to be well rested, so I try to be in bed at a reasonable hour. Sometimes that might mean leaving a party early or only staying for part of an event. Right now, being a good mom is what matters to me most and in order to do that, I have to avoid the busyness trap. So, when I have to say “no,” I do so without guilt.
Asking for help is harder for me. There are times when I have felt pressure to be a “supermom” and do it all, but this just results in me being busy and stressed. Very early on in my journey of motherhood, I learned that asking for help makes me a better mom. Being overwhelmed simply doesn’t do my daughter or myself any good.
So, I ask for what I need, without an ounce of shame. I am incredibly lucky to be surrounded by family and friends have responded to my requests for help. Reaching out to others benefits not only me, but also my daughter.
I don’t get to see my friends as much as I used to. My husband and I aren’t able to go out on dates every weekend. I often decline invitations to events that I really wish I could attend. Sometimes, I think about what I am missing out on, but I never regret the choices that I make.
Without being so busy all of the time, I find myself more present during my days. I relish in the empty space and find myself filled to the brim with my quieter, simpler life. I am grateful that I have allowed this shift to happen; it means that I am never too busy for my daughter.
This piece was published on the Huffington Post on April 10, 2015.
Love this article!
aw, thanks karen! <3
I feel the same way. My days are much more scaled back and I appreciate life so much more.
🙂 its amazing how these little people change everything for us!
Love this reminder. I think “busy” is the most overused and overrated word of this decade. I aspire to be less busy as well. Was just thinking that today as we had a totally unstructured day of neighborhood kids playing and impromptu playground meet ups. And nothing for the rest of the day. Ahhh…… xxxxooo
Love those days! they are necessary. 🙂 and our kids need them too!
I well remember those days. It was hard for me to ask for help as well however as my two grew and I made more friends with the parents of their friends it got easier. Lovely to see that you are enjoying this time.
everyday gets easier… and yes, i am enjoying it so much — even on the hard days, she fills me with joy. thanks for stoping by.
Great post! I think the word busy is very subjective and if we could just focus on.enjoying and being present in our day to day lives, people would find that being “busy” doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative thing.
Thanks so much! That is always the challenge… 🙂
I can totally relate! I remember a time where I didn’t even know how to sit quietly at home. Having a family, or even a shift in priorities, can be a huge eye-opener in the control we really have over our schedules. There are friends that I don’t get to see as often as I’d like, but with relationships like that, I have found that we always manage to find some time to get together, it just doesn’t always look the same! Great post! <3
Thanks so much Ashlie! the shift has been a big one, but i wouldnt change a thing. 🙂
So beautiful to see how life taught you to slow down and participate in activities that serve you.
indeed i am blessed. 🙂
“Busy” is definitely one of those words that means different things to different people! Having children is something is definitely can change our priorities and how we delegate our time. It is great that having your daughter has created such a positive impact and value in your time!
yup, its been great!
I wish when my kids were younger I had taken your approach. My life was SO hard! My husband and I are self employed and we would have the kids at work with us… oh my.. it was beyond stressful. I was constantly feeling guilty they were there from morning til night and felt such despair! I love the fact that you have stood up and said “no!”. I can’t tell you how much I wish I had done that! Being present and identifying your values is so important in order to live the life you love!
I am trying! these early years are definitely overwhelming!
While I don’t have any kids, I can certainly appreciate saying no without guilt and enjoying the quiet peaceful moments. I used to always have somewhere to be, and like you, never declined invitations. Now, I really do pick and choose what serves me and my wellbeing. Great post!
Thank you!
Wow, I see a lot of themes in posts lately. Lots of overworked, overtired, too busy Moms that are trying to take better care of themselves. It’s something I need to continually check in with. In fact, I know when I am doing too much when my daughter tells me to quit working too much. I am writing this to you and the Universe – but less will be more this next year!
it takes effort for sure!